/*--------------------------------------------- FILE: JavaScript/humor/alcohoroscope.js AUTH: Thuy Le DATE: April 6, 2004 LMD : February 2, 2009 ----------------------------------------------*/ function process( num ) { alcohol_text = "" switch ( num ) { case 1: // Aries alcohol_text += "Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don\'t know when to call it a night. " + "Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing time shot contests. " + "They\'re sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. " + "Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, " + "should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose (eager to fight; warlike) " + "when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven " + "(if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you--so " + "long as you haven\'t gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini." break; case 2: // Taurus alcohol_text += "Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full on zonk. " + "Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop " + "inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference " + "for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the " + "rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler--god, no. " + "A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and " + "is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated." break; case 3: // Gemini alcohol_text += "Gemini\'s can drink without changing their behavior much--they\'re so naturally chatty and " + "short-attention-spanned that it\'s just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing " + "with finesse and allusions, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, " + "like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to " + "flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. " + "They like to order different cocktails every round--repetition is boring--and may create a theme " + "(like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement." break; case 4: // Cancer alcohol_text += "Cancer is a comfort drinker--and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or " + "six can be extra comforting, can\'t it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, " + "Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating " + "themselves on VIP lists--and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, " + "they get \"tired and emotional\" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there\'s nothing better than swapping " + "stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. " + "Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, " + "and you\'d be adored if you served up vanilla vodka and soda." break; case 5: // Leo alcohol_text += "Leo likes to drink and dance--they\'re often fabulous dancers, " + "and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. " + "Of course, they\'re quite aware they\'re darling--Leos will be Leos, after all. " + "They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. " + "When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue--and perhaps not with the one what brung them. " + "But Leo\'s not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) " + "and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day." break; case 6: // Virgo alcohol_text += "Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. " + "Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure--but " + "it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. " + "They rarely get fully shellacked--but, oh, when they do! Virgo\'s controlled by the intellect, " + "but there\'s an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. " + "It\'s dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, " + "\"I\'m going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight.\" A toast to the subgenius IQ!" break; case 7: // Libra alcohol_text += "\"I\'m just a social drinker,\" slurs Libra, \"it\'s just that " + "I\'m so damn social?\" " + "Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. " + "Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to \"on\") " + "or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), " + "the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking " + "in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble--including wearing " + "their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend\'s beau " + "or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!" break; case 8: // Scorpio alcohol_text += "Don\'t ever tell Scorpios they\'ve had enough, for they\'ll smirk at you and quietly " + "but intentionally keep tippling till they\'re hog whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. " + "Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see " + "the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool--though if depressed, " + "self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they\'re fascinating drinking pals, " + "brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything--especially " + "what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you." break; case 9: // Sagittarius alcohol_text += "When buttered, they\'ll spill all your secrets and many of their own. " + "Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying " + "(what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and " + "Anna Nicole Smith?). " + "They\'re the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere " + "else--like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue " + "(including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call)." break; case 10: // Capricorn alcohol_text += "Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and " + "status-thirsty--no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. " + "But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn " + "is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, " + "not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? " + "But just like most rock stars, they\'re either totally on or totally off, and they generally need " + "a little social lubricant " + "to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie." break; case 11: // Aquarius alcohol_text += "Aquarius and drinking don\'t go together that well (except for water, that is). " + "They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, " + "they\'re more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they\'re throwing a party or organizing an outing, " + "however, they\'re too preoccupied with their duties to get combative--and they make " + "perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they\'re usually capital drink-nursers. " + "They also make the best-designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist): " + "Aquarius is fascinated by drunken people and capable of holding interesting conversations " + "with soused strangers while sober." break; case 12: // Pisces alcohol_text += "If you\'re a Pisces, you\'ve probably already heard that you share a sign--and " + "an addictive personality--with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. " + "Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, " + "but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? " + "On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. " + "With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed " + "together for days. The phrase \"addictive personality\" can be read two ways, you know." break; } document.forms[0].display.value = alcohol_text } // process